Parents and Carers who have completed either a group or one-to-one NVR intervention have kindly given consent for us to share their experiences.
“I found the courage to go on as sometimes you can get stuck. You know like when the facilitators would say to just walk away as the teenager isn’t listening anyway. That to me was a great help as sometimes you can get caught up in it and somebody has to walk away and the teenager is never going to walk away.”
“When I first heard about The Announcement I thought the facilitators were off their heads asking me to do that with my kids. Even when I was putting it together I found it very hard, very emotional and I had worked myself up about making the announcement but when it came to making the announcement it was a lot easier especially with my support network because they knew I was making the announcement so they were in the background to make the phone call if it needed to be made. And I have made phone calls. Only twice. About my daughter. And it’s worked. I was quite nervous making the announcement as I was afraid they would all laugh at me or start making comments. But they didn’t. They did listen and I think it was the fact that they knew I had the backup of the people on the support team that they really listened. There was no smart comments or sniggering going on that I had thought was going to happen.”
“Ah yeah I found the support team good. I remember calling someone and when he came up she didn’t like it at all. She just starting crying. It was hard like. She just wouldn’t want you calling anybody. She wants to just deny everything. But it’s good to have the support team.”
“Like before if the kids wanted to go to the shop I would go just for peace sake. Where as now I go if I need to go, not cos they want a bag of crisps. Or a bar of chocolate. I’ll go if mammy wants a bar of chocolate. Dropping them here there and everywhere. They think I am their personal taxi driver. I won’t do it anymore. Particularly my son who thinks I should drop him wherever whenever he wants. It’s the same with washing their clothes. If they don’t bring them out to the basket I’m not washing it. It’s as simple as that.”
“Before I would do things for him just to keep the peace. But now I don’t. And when I say no he just turns away from me and he is in shock. Before he would rant and rave for half an hour saying why can’t I do it for him. Now no means no and he doesn’t start. “
“Before I was trying to always make it up to them. Whereas now I do something nice for them as an occasional treat. And every day I tell them I love them. I tell them I don’t like their behaviours but I love them”.
“First thing I have noticed is that it’s a happier home. The aggression is gone. Well not gone 100% but you’re not walking into a landmine every time you walk in the door. Or afraid. I’m not walking on egg shells anymore. If I say no I mean no and that’s it. I’m after taking control back in the house. I have a firm grip on the reins at the moment where I didn’t before the course started. I had lost control of the home and my kids. They were telling me what to do. I’m living my life again. I have started to have a social life again. I don’t have to explain to them. Where before with Xxx I would nearly have to spend a month preparing her if I was going out to meet a friend. She was totally controlling me. She still tries it at times but I don’t listen to her. I have my life back. I said to my friends at the weekend- instead of waking up and saying “oh no”. Now I wake up and say “thank god, bring the day on”. Before I used to wake up and think oh no not another day. I don’t have that feeling anymore”.
“It’s about taking control back. Not letting them get to me. Just to switch off. The biggest thing is not reacting to my eldest daughter like before and arguing back. One of us would lose it and there were no winners. You have to stop and think. If you do get into an argument you’ve got to bring yourself back.”
“I look forward now to getting up in the morning which I didn’t before. I used to dread getting up thinking what’s he going to do now or say. Whereas now I know what I’m going to say. He listens to me now. The house is a lot calmer and I can relax. I can say what I want to say to him. Whereas before I would be afraid to talk to him. Now I say what I feel like saying.”
“My son moved out. I suppose he realised I wasn’t going to take it anymore you know and I was standing my ground because of the group. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without it. Even though I’ve done lots of similar things over the years you lose track of them when you’re in the middle of it. Whereas it kind of backed me up again. The last stand you might say. So yeah it worked out well and hopefully he will get on well. This time he left on good terms. Since he left he got a course and is getting up out of bed every morning. Something I couldn’t get him to do for two years”.
“We’ve noticed it’s a happier home by far. There’s still a bit of roaring and shouting that goes on from both sides at times I suppose. But we’ve found that she has a rant now and storms off to her room and calms down and that’s it then-it’s the end of it. She’s not coming back up and nit-picking at things. She has her little rant and goes away. Whereas before she would keep going and keep going and drawing us in and we were escalating and things were getting worse. It was affecting the whole house. Now it’s more controlled and the four of us are happier and things are calmer around the house”.
NVR Ireland 